This review of Paige Turner: Confessions Of An Un-Natural Blonde at The Laurie Beechman Theatre was written by Dr. Thomas Robert Stevens and published in Volume X, Issue 6 (2016) of the online edition of Applause! Applause!
Paige Turner: Confessions Of An Un-Natural Blonde
Written & Performed by Paige Turner (Daniel Kelley)
The Laurie Beechman Theatre
407 West 42nd Street
New York, New York 10036
If you are easily offended by politically incorrect humor involving drugging potential sex partners, incest, and scout leaders having sex with boys under their direction, I strongly encourage you to stop reading this review and to never see the perky and perverted Paige Turner perform her monologues, song parodies, and video clips presented in Confessions Of An Un-Natural Blonde. If you read on and get upset, it's all on you!
Immaculately dressed Showbiz Spitfire Paige Turner appeared on stage wearing a tall blonde wig, a pink bow, and a piece of jewelry around her neck spelling out her name "PAIGE" just in case you forgot whose show you were at. Just as Pinky (in Pinky & The Brain) shouted out "SNARF" without notice, Paige's Tourette Syndrome's Tic was vocalizing the word "SLURP!" without explanation. An audience member explained to me later he believes slurp has the double-meaning of Paige wanting to slurp up all the good-looking men around her as well as having the secondary meaning of wanting to slurp up cum that may come her way. Paige Turner's Match.com online name is allegedly PussyLips69 and she warns you that if someone says in their profile "anything goes," they are not talking about the musical!
She told an elaborate story about how earlier in the day, she found herself in Jersey City trying to help her friend Darlene pick out a wedding dress when her car broke down near a Waffle House. Some guys offered her a ride back to New York City in their "Tour Bus" which turned out to be a "Bait Bus." Still, she made it back in time for her show. Of course, you would expect a show about a blonde to contain a number of jokes about how stupid blondes can be. There was no exception to that rule here. She confessed her "lifetime goal is to become a veterinarian - because she loves children." She also asked if we knew "why the blonde went up on the roof." The answer is "because someone told her drinks were on the house."
Paige told us she was brought up in Indiana in a town outside Gary and once sold Mary Kay products. She reported that her dad is in heaven and her mom is in hell. But her fondest memories as a young girl were sharing sexual intimacies with her uncle, which are explained in the song parody "My Uncle's Mushroom Head." Unfortunately, her uncle "went to prison." She doesn't know the exact details but believes it had something to do with "a weird misunderstanding involving the Boy Scouts." We saw a video of Paige Turner, while at a Frozen convention in New Jersey, using "a love potion" (as the bartender said, "it worked for Bill Cosby, didn't it") to seduce two hot young men into having Double Penetration sex with her. Before slipping roofies into their drinks, she tried stalking them in a more traditional manner but it turned out she was barking up the wrong tree. The hotel room she had identified as theirs actually was the heterosexual lair of James V. Allerdyce (a Board of Director Member of the Beaux Arts Society, Inc.) who was occupying the room with a young woman who appeared to be his girlfriend.
After all these random sexual encounters, Paige Turner finally realized she needed therapy but under Obamacare, it turned out her assigned therapist was also her dentist. She decided instead to confess to a priest at a Roman Catholic Church that had a Gift Shop. She figured if it didn't work out with the priest, she could go shopping - perhaps even buy a "do-it-yourself crucifixion kit." Paige confessed to the priest she was stalking a boy at Chipotle - Jorge the Latin Boy. The priest actually gave her the confidence to introduce herself to Jorge and it turned out the feelings of attraction were mutual. Unfortunately, in the end, Paige had to break up with Jorge because he had an extreme case of flatulence brought on by his eating the beans in the meals of Chipotle three times a day. It almost asphyxiated her!
During this show about confessions, Paige Turner revealed that, at times, she has lowered herself to handing out flyers for her own show in Times Square. Her initial observation was that she was probably the only character there who was a professional actor, but in retrospect, she realizes she was the only person there who wasn't an illegal alien. Paige discusses her concern about her F.U.P.A. (Fat Upper Pussy Area) before diving into a song parody entitled, "My Pussy - Just A Friendly Little Cat," wherein she speaks about her "wet, hot, bald, sore & free pussy" before warning the audience that "pussy will get you into trouble every time!"
At one point during the evening, Paige Turner says she has locked the doors to the room and that what happens from that point on will be between "you, me and Facebook." She proceeds to identify Unicorns & Ponies (tops and bottoms) in the room and hands out "lollipops" some of which have black bottoms. Those lucky enough to get a black bottom received a special gift. I got Claude The Crab and was told I can say "I got crabs at the Paige Turner show."
Paige Turner: Confessions Of An Un-Natural Blonde is a high-energy, madcap variety show filled with intelligent song parodies, interesting videos, and rapid fire comedy skits. Paige even has a magic wand she will wield to place you under her spell. When you see a Paige Turner show, hold on to your Joy Stick and be prepared for the ride of your life!